What is separation anxiety?
Children who experience separation anxiety feel distressed when they are separated from a primary caregiver, such as a parent or close family member. They may become clingy, cry, express anger, or refuse to speak to or to be comforted by anyone other than their caregiver. Some children may also have physical symptoms such as a sore tummy, headache or nausea.
Although a child’s separation anxiety may be intense at the time, it often subsides quite quickly once their parent or caregiver has left.
Why do children experience separation anxiety?
Babies and toddlers are often still learning that the separation from their caregivers that happens when they go to childcare or preschool is only temporary, and that their loved one will return. Younger children also find it difficult to understand the concept of time, so general reassurances that their caregiver will be “back later” or “back soon” may not help.
While separation anxiety tends to be at its height during the toddler years, it can also persist in older children. Many factors, such as temperament, environmental factors, trauma and developmental issues can contribute to the extent to which a child experiences separation anxiety and for how long this continues to occur.
Tips to ease separation anxiety
There are some simple strategies that parents and carers can use to manage or reduce their child’s anxiety, build their resilience and help them to feel more secure in new environments or with unfamiliar people.
General tips
- Develop a drop-off or goodbye routine. A simple, consistent routine helps your child know what to expect and, used over time, can make parting less stressful.
- Keep the goodbye routine consistent and confident. Dragging out the goodbye or staying for “5 more minutes” over and over, can make your child more anxious and send them the message that you are worried about leaving them.
- Help your child to settle at a preferred activity before you leave. You might like to make this a part of your goodbye routine, for example reading a story, or sitting with them at the playdough or art/craft table.
- Offer your child a comfort object. Many children find security in a familiar object from home, such as a small blanket, toy or photo. Having a ‘transitional object’ can help your child feel connected to you after you leave.
- Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Validate these by saying things like, “I know you feel sad when I leave, but you will be safe with your friends and teachers’.
- Explain to your child when you will collect them in concrete ways. For example, “I will pick you up after you’ve had lunch/nap time/afternoon tea”.
- Keep routines around drop-off times consistent and calm. Aim to allow enough time to avoid you or your child feeling rushed or stressed during travel, arrival and departure.
- Read books with your child about coping with separation. Some examples include: ‘The Kissing Hand’ by Audrey Penn and Ruth Harper, ‘Llama Llama Misses Mama’ by Anna Dewdney, and ‘When I Miss You (The Way I Feel Books)’ by Cornelia Maude Spelman and Kathy Parkinson.
- Be patient and kind to yourself. This is a big step for both of you! Getting used to separations can take both you and your child some time, and it is normal for you both to feel sad or worried, especially at first.
Additional tips for starting childcare or preschool
There are some additional things you can do to ease separation anxiety when your child starts childcare or preschool.
- Have an orientation period. If possible, start with shorter visits and build up to full days over a week or two.
- Attend consistently. If possible, enrol your child for at least two days per week, and if practical, try to have these days consecutive or close together so that there is not a big gap between their attendance.
- Build a partnership with your child’s educators. This will help your child to feel more confident and secure and will help you to talk with your child about their experiences and what they enjoy in the setting.
- Learn which educator/s and or peer/s your child feels most connected with. Leaving your child engaged with other adults or children they feel comfortable with can ease their anxiety.
When to seek help
For most children, separation anxiety reduces over time with support and patience, and as they become familiar with the new environment of people. However, if their anxiety is severe, persists for several months, or significantly disrupts their daily functioning, it may help to seek professional support. Your child’s educators, GP, paediatrician or your local child or community health centre may be able to offer guidance on where to seek support.
Conclusion
Separation anxiety, while challenging, is a natural phase of early childhood development. With patience and supportive strategies, children can learn to feel secure and confident in new environments without their familiar caregiver being with them. This also helps lay the groundwork for their developing emotional resilience.
Contact Us
If you have any questions or would like more information, please email us at childrensservices@theinfantshome.org.au.